Fear of Success?

A brief reflection on when some clouds parted today:

I was speaking to a friend recently and the subject of subconscious obstruction of one's self, also known as self-sabotage. I think everyone does it, at one point or another in their life - but at the time, it may feel like normal. But what happens when self-sabotage becomes your way of life?

I suppose it looks a lot like listening to the self-criticisms may of us carry around. I imagine that one form of brain-washing is to constantly repeat a message to a captive - this message is repeated to the point that the intended brain absorbs it as their internal dialogue. The brain-washing is successful when the captive assumes that what they're hearing is factual, and they act according to this "knowledge".

Well, that's how self-criticism can work. If you spend enough time listening to all the negative thoughts you have about yourself, you just might start to act on them. And that's where self-sabotage begins. Soon, the sabotage becomes a way of living. You act on the words you say to yourself, and your actions prove that your self-critiques were right. Vicious cycle, isn't it?

But without the track playing endlessly, can a brain-washed person remain brain-washed? Can they somehow become... themselves again?

During this conversation with my friend, I had a small epiphany. It has been said that often we are not afraid of failure, but of success. I have always had a hard time digesting that saying; I mean, if success was within your grasp, why wouldn't you grasp it? There must be some reasonable explanation for why "you" are not going for whatever it is that "you" want. But that was just it.... the conversation I'd been having with myself went something like, "You're not going to be able to x,y,z, because you are a,b,c".

And suddenly, what the saying made sense. I had come to believe the track that was playing over and over - and now, I did not, sometimes, do not, know who I am without that track playing over and over and over. If the tape stops... who would I be? I don't even think I might recognize the inner landscape of who I am without that internal dialogue droning on and on.

So there it is: the fear of success is deeply rooted in having a skewed picture of who you truly are. If you've become used to living with a false sense of yourself, what does it take to get back to your true self? And more importantly, do you want your true self back?

See, brain-washing serves a purpose: to distract you from your true mission, whatever that is. But whatever mission you serve as with your new self-identity serves the purpose of creating some cognitive cohesion for you. The brain-washing only sticks if there's some functionality to it. This is perhaps by negative internal dialogues are hard to shut up: the message has stuck, and you've found some way to function with it. It's become a part of how you interact with the world, and you have a hard time imagining what life should be, or could be, without it.

But I leave you with a verse that a minister shared with me, and a few other friends recently:

John 8:32: "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." So, here's to the hard work of getting to know the truth. And as you know the Truth, as you encounter it day by day, along the journey of life, It shall make you free. Yes, it will change your state of being, it will MAKE you free.

Free, indeed.

Quarter of a Century

I spent a lot of time in the past six months wondering who was I becoming, and who I was for a part of my life.

For a few months, I really did not like what I saw when I was looking at the woman in the mirror. So, I had to ask her to change her ways, and that was not easy. Asking yourself to change means that you've completed the prerequisite steps: Getting real with yourself. Thinking deeply about the consequences of your actions. Considering the outcomes that ensued from certain behaviors. And most importantly, drumming up the courage to even say "Hey, I don't like where I am. I want to move on from here." Admission is the first step to recovery (BBM big-smile face)

Looking at the previous 24 seasons of "In The Life Of" (the imaginary show I film of my life) ... I saw that I liked some seasons, and loathed others. I saw some things I wish I hadn't let go of, and others I wish I had (and much sooner!). The process of review was sometimes (too many times) like reading old diary entries: I inevitably cringe at certain passages and ask myself "What the hell was I thinking?". I laugh, I cry, I remember - the way I was, both good and bad. Well, those diary entry review binges usually begin and end within an hour. Going through that for several months on end - is probably not too healthy, but that's where I was.

I was in soul-review.

While talking to one of my sorors, I finally said it out loud: "Deep down inside, I want to be a better person than I am right now." Part of the things I'd been through in the past year were proof that I was human, weak, and capable of acting a plum fool - but that my inner woman was crying out for maturity and wisdom while I questioned what I'd gained from a rather tame life, not going too far to the right or left. Part of me lamented missing the wild and crazy days that are the stuff of undergraduate legend because I was too busy trying to be more grown (mature! although... that's also up for debate) than my years. I suppose some of my more recent endeavors have been a way of acting out, of pushing my own envelope. I was chasing something that was already gone - something that in the end, nobody wants for ever: reckless abandon.

This soul-review stuff was/is not easy. Not for the faint of heart.

This semester brought me to a class on meditation. The greatest little gem I've uncovered so far is that I am who I am meant to be, at any given moment. And that being impatient with myself only delayed growth. Being preoccupied with either the past or the present was keeping me from living in the present. Sounds like common sense... but it's easier said than done. Blessed with this new frame of mind, I began to re-introduce myself to patience with myself. A brand new concept.

The days wore on towards my birthday, and I was not really excited either way. I still felt like something was... well, missing. (Namely, excitement.)

Luckily, God provided friends who would not allow me to be neutral about something worth celebrating. I was surrounded with a lot of people loved me for me. Just where I am, just the way I am. Still youthful, still vibrant, still eager for more, still having lots of lessons to learn. I'd say that pretty good for someone who's only 1/4 of a century old. I am not a finished work yet, and I don't have to be. The changes I'm seeking don't (cannot) happen overnight. I don't have to be "there" yet. Especially since "there" is very likely a shifting target, that changes as I change. This milestone isn't so much a milestone, but a marker. More or less noting that time has passed. And by God's grace it will continue to pass, and I'll continue to grow by basking in the light and love of God.