Quarter of a Century

I spent a lot of time in the past six months wondering who was I becoming, and who I was for a part of my life.

For a few months, I really did not like what I saw when I was looking at the woman in the mirror. So, I had to ask her to change her ways, and that was not easy. Asking yourself to change means that you've completed the prerequisite steps: Getting real with yourself. Thinking deeply about the consequences of your actions. Considering the outcomes that ensued from certain behaviors. And most importantly, drumming up the courage to even say "Hey, I don't like where I am. I want to move on from here." Admission is the first step to recovery (BBM big-smile face)

Looking at the previous 24 seasons of "In The Life Of" (the imaginary show I film of my life) ... I saw that I liked some seasons, and loathed others. I saw some things I wish I hadn't let go of, and others I wish I had (and much sooner!). The process of review was sometimes (too many times) like reading old diary entries: I inevitably cringe at certain passages and ask myself "What the hell was I thinking?". I laugh, I cry, I remember - the way I was, both good and bad. Well, those diary entry review binges usually begin and end within an hour. Going through that for several months on end - is probably not too healthy, but that's where I was.

I was in soul-review.

While talking to one of my sorors, I finally said it out loud: "Deep down inside, I want to be a better person than I am right now." Part of the things I'd been through in the past year were proof that I was human, weak, and capable of acting a plum fool - but that my inner woman was crying out for maturity and wisdom while I questioned what I'd gained from a rather tame life, not going too far to the right or left. Part of me lamented missing the wild and crazy days that are the stuff of undergraduate legend because I was too busy trying to be more grown (mature! although... that's also up for debate) than my years. I suppose some of my more recent endeavors have been a way of acting out, of pushing my own envelope. I was chasing something that was already gone - something that in the end, nobody wants for ever: reckless abandon.

This soul-review stuff was/is not easy. Not for the faint of heart.

This semester brought me to a class on meditation. The greatest little gem I've uncovered so far is that I am who I am meant to be, at any given moment. And that being impatient with myself only delayed growth. Being preoccupied with either the past or the present was keeping me from living in the present. Sounds like common sense... but it's easier said than done. Blessed with this new frame of mind, I began to re-introduce myself to patience with myself. A brand new concept.

The days wore on towards my birthday, and I was not really excited either way. I still felt like something was... well, missing. (Namely, excitement.)

Luckily, God provided friends who would not allow me to be neutral about something worth celebrating. I was surrounded with a lot of people loved me for me. Just where I am, just the way I am. Still youthful, still vibrant, still eager for more, still having lots of lessons to learn. I'd say that pretty good for someone who's only 1/4 of a century old. I am not a finished work yet, and I don't have to be. The changes I'm seeking don't (cannot) happen overnight. I don't have to be "there" yet. Especially since "there" is very likely a shifting target, that changes as I change. This milestone isn't so much a milestone, but a marker. More or less noting that time has passed. And by God's grace it will continue to pass, and I'll continue to grow by basking in the light and love of God.