Fear of Success?

A brief reflection on when some clouds parted today:

I was speaking to a friend recently and the subject of subconscious obstruction of one's self, also known as self-sabotage. I think everyone does it, at one point or another in their life - but at the time, it may feel like normal. But what happens when self-sabotage becomes your way of life?

I suppose it looks a lot like listening to the self-criticisms may of us carry around. I imagine that one form of brain-washing is to constantly repeat a message to a captive - this message is repeated to the point that the intended brain absorbs it as their internal dialogue. The brain-washing is successful when the captive assumes that what they're hearing is factual, and they act according to this "knowledge".

Well, that's how self-criticism can work. If you spend enough time listening to all the negative thoughts you have about yourself, you just might start to act on them. And that's where self-sabotage begins. Soon, the sabotage becomes a way of living. You act on the words you say to yourself, and your actions prove that your self-critiques were right. Vicious cycle, isn't it?

But without the track playing endlessly, can a brain-washed person remain brain-washed? Can they somehow become... themselves again?

During this conversation with my friend, I had a small epiphany. It has been said that often we are not afraid of failure, but of success. I have always had a hard time digesting that saying; I mean, if success was within your grasp, why wouldn't you grasp it? There must be some reasonable explanation for why "you" are not going for whatever it is that "you" want. But that was just it.... the conversation I'd been having with myself went something like, "You're not going to be able to x,y,z, because you are a,b,c".

And suddenly, what the saying made sense. I had come to believe the track that was playing over and over - and now, I did not, sometimes, do not, know who I am without that track playing over and over and over. If the tape stops... who would I be? I don't even think I might recognize the inner landscape of who I am without that internal dialogue droning on and on.

So there it is: the fear of success is deeply rooted in having a skewed picture of who you truly are. If you've become used to living with a false sense of yourself, what does it take to get back to your true self? And more importantly, do you want your true self back?

See, brain-washing serves a purpose: to distract you from your true mission, whatever that is. But whatever mission you serve as with your new self-identity serves the purpose of creating some cognitive cohesion for you. The brain-washing only sticks if there's some functionality to it. This is perhaps by negative internal dialogues are hard to shut up: the message has stuck, and you've found some way to function with it. It's become a part of how you interact with the world, and you have a hard time imagining what life should be, or could be, without it.

But I leave you with a verse that a minister shared with me, and a few other friends recently:

John 8:32: "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." So, here's to the hard work of getting to know the truth. And as you know the Truth, as you encounter it day by day, along the journey of life, It shall make you free. Yes, it will change your state of being, it will MAKE you free.

Free, indeed.