One nostril at a time

A few years ago, around this time, I had a yoga instructor named Beeker. During one session, we did a breathing exercise that required us to breathe from one nostril at a time (you can find out a little about nadi sodhana here, it's a really calming exercise). This technique in breathing is a controlled way of doing something that our body does naturally, that is, using one nostril predominantly for inhalation, the other for exhalation; the nostrils change roles seamlessly throughout the day.

When I began this post, I thought about Beeker's exercise because my sinuses were changing shifts: deciding who would be clogged, and who would do the breathing. (It really felt like a changing of the guard, and my brain perked up because it was so excited to get a full dose of air.) This foretaste of freedom reminded me of one of my goals this year: Do one thing at a time, and do it well.

I often find myself frustrated with feelings of being "unfinished", or not as far along as I wish to be. Many times I have to remind myself that it's a good thing to be "unfinished"because if I were done, I guess I'd have the gravestone to prove it. Thanks be to God I'm not quite done.

Having the opportunity to breathe in fully, and breathe out fully reminded me that I really can only take in and put out but so much at one time. There is really only one breath in, and one breath out at a time. I have no auxiliary parts to myself that can function in my stead, so I have every right to take things as they come. Celebrating the moments of full clarity, and appreciating the lessons that times of congestion can teach me. Sometimes those compressed times alert me to how I've taken my usual freedoms and accomplishments for granted.

I wish not to go from issue to issue, but from breath to breath being grateful that I can take it in. And, as the yoga exercise teaches, I can only inhale life, one breath and one nostril at a time.

Quarter of a Century

I spent a lot of time in the past six months wondering who was I becoming, and who I was for a part of my life.

For a few months, I really did not like what I saw when I was looking at the woman in the mirror. So, I had to ask her to change her ways, and that was not easy. Asking yourself to change means that you've completed the prerequisite steps: Getting real with yourself. Thinking deeply about the consequences of your actions. Considering the outcomes that ensued from certain behaviors. And most importantly, drumming up the courage to even say "Hey, I don't like where I am. I want to move on from here." Admission is the first step to recovery (BBM big-smile face)

Looking at the previous 24 seasons of "In The Life Of" (the imaginary show I film of my life) ... I saw that I liked some seasons, and loathed others. I saw some things I wish I hadn't let go of, and others I wish I had (and much sooner!). The process of review was sometimes (too many times) like reading old diary entries: I inevitably cringe at certain passages and ask myself "What the hell was I thinking?". I laugh, I cry, I remember - the way I was, both good and bad. Well, those diary entry review binges usually begin and end within an hour. Going through that for several months on end - is probably not too healthy, but that's where I was.

I was in soul-review.

While talking to one of my sorors, I finally said it out loud: "Deep down inside, I want to be a better person than I am right now." Part of the things I'd been through in the past year were proof that I was human, weak, and capable of acting a plum fool - but that my inner woman was crying out for maturity and wisdom while I questioned what I'd gained from a rather tame life, not going too far to the right or left. Part of me lamented missing the wild and crazy days that are the stuff of undergraduate legend because I was too busy trying to be more grown (mature! although... that's also up for debate) than my years. I suppose some of my more recent endeavors have been a way of acting out, of pushing my own envelope. I was chasing something that was already gone - something that in the end, nobody wants for ever: reckless abandon.

This soul-review stuff was/is not easy. Not for the faint of heart.

This semester brought me to a class on meditation. The greatest little gem I've uncovered so far is that I am who I am meant to be, at any given moment. And that being impatient with myself only delayed growth. Being preoccupied with either the past or the present was keeping me from living in the present. Sounds like common sense... but it's easier said than done. Blessed with this new frame of mind, I began to re-introduce myself to patience with myself. A brand new concept.

The days wore on towards my birthday, and I was not really excited either way. I still felt like something was... well, missing. (Namely, excitement.)

Luckily, God provided friends who would not allow me to be neutral about something worth celebrating. I was surrounded with a lot of people loved me for me. Just where I am, just the way I am. Still youthful, still vibrant, still eager for more, still having lots of lessons to learn. I'd say that pretty good for someone who's only 1/4 of a century old. I am not a finished work yet, and I don't have to be. The changes I'm seeking don't (cannot) happen overnight. I don't have to be "there" yet. Especially since "there" is very likely a shifting target, that changes as I change. This milestone isn't so much a milestone, but a marker. More or less noting that time has passed. And by God's grace it will continue to pass, and I'll continue to grow by basking in the light and love of God.

New Year - New Template!

Woooo-hoo!!

Happy New Year fam-lay!

I'm just popping in so that I could do the one thing I promised myself to do today: work on my blog. That was what I was itching to do all day.

I know it's Valentine's Day, but I am not touching that in this post with a 10-foot virtual pole. It's just not where my head is. I'm looking forward to: my BIRTHDAY! *confetti*

In honor of my birthday, I'm making steps towards becoming more of the kind of person I want to be. I once read (somewhere out there) that one does not begin to grow into the person they wish to be until they decide what kind of person they want to be. It's important to decide how I wish to be in the world, and make steps towards being that kind of person. The rest, all that I set out to do, should fall in line with it naturally, and harmoniously.

I have spent my allotted time on blogging. But I enjoyed it. Especially finding this cool template!

Tell me what you think - and come visit me on twitter!
www.twitter.com/sacredissexy

God is good - all the time. Peace.