Pain & Pleasure

Unfortunately, I am starting believe (or fortunately, who knows) that pain and discomfort produces some of the best art.

It might be that in pain, we grow. If we do not encounter discomfort, how can we move beyond where we currently are? Think about it - few people seek out growth when there's no impetus to. If one does not detect a problem, it is highly unlikely that they will invest the time and energy into creating a problem to solve. That's just not how animals, let alone sentient beings operate. We avoid pain like the plague, but I am confident in saying that pain has produced some of the greatest treasures in art, philosophy, and religion. Van Gogh, Socrates, and Jesus Christ (for crying out loud!). That's not a definitive list, but those are easy examples.

From pain often comes heightened awareness. With our senses attuned to life and living, we evolve as a species. Hopefully, our evolution takes us in a positive direction. Sometimes, pain re-doubles itself, becoming a looming, oppressive mass in the universe - sometimes pains take on a life of their own and they get away from us....

I say all that to say, in some ways, we have to be grateful for pain. Because it alerts us to the fact that some needs aren't being met. If we are smart, and if we are able, our responsibility is to then learn from the pain, and press toward pleasure.

That is my wish for you - whoever you are.

Ashe.

It was given.

Because It was Given: (First draft)

It cannot be taken from me.

The space and place and time was predestined for me. For me.

(sing) What God has for me, it is for me. What God has for me, it is for me.

(speak) So the womb was ready when the two were not.

The conditions were set, the deck was already shuffled and cut and the card on top of the deck….

God delt: Me.

So here she comes, breached, but finally, born.

Life, undeniably, poured into her lungs.

But life, after first week breath became a ground for death and dying. In so many ways.

Taking pieces of her, from where, she knew not.

Til one day, being all grown up she began to feel that some thing was missing.

No longer holding, playing with, a full deck of her own.

But what was missing?

Laying down one night it came to her:

Awareness. Consciousness. Wisdom herself opened her eyes; saying without words: This ain't you.

You're living, but not alive.

This ain't you.

You were not made in lies, but in truth; but you've been ingesting lies. Spit them out.

Know this here, take this, eat this: LIFE.

While you are eating, drinking, let me tell you:

It was always yours. This time and space and place was made just for you.

Carved out of God, emptied out, hallowed, inside God, for only you.

Child, if only you fully knew.

How unalone you are in this space…. Please try to know and believe. Believe.

It cannot be taken away - you in God and God in you.

Eat this, drink this, savor this, daily. Momentarily.

Really, momentarily, my dear.

[You are, have been, always will be- forever- loved.]

Fear of Success?

A brief reflection on when some clouds parted today:

I was speaking to a friend recently and the subject of subconscious obstruction of one's self, also known as self-sabotage. I think everyone does it, at one point or another in their life - but at the time, it may feel like normal. But what happens when self-sabotage becomes your way of life?

I suppose it looks a lot like listening to the self-criticisms may of us carry around. I imagine that one form of brain-washing is to constantly repeat a message to a captive - this message is repeated to the point that the intended brain absorbs it as their internal dialogue. The brain-washing is successful when the captive assumes that what they're hearing is factual, and they act according to this "knowledge".

Well, that's how self-criticism can work. If you spend enough time listening to all the negative thoughts you have about yourself, you just might start to act on them. And that's where self-sabotage begins. Soon, the sabotage becomes a way of living. You act on the words you say to yourself, and your actions prove that your self-critiques were right. Vicious cycle, isn't it?

But without the track playing endlessly, can a brain-washed person remain brain-washed? Can they somehow become... themselves again?

During this conversation with my friend, I had a small epiphany. It has been said that often we are not afraid of failure, but of success. I have always had a hard time digesting that saying; I mean, if success was within your grasp, why wouldn't you grasp it? There must be some reasonable explanation for why "you" are not going for whatever it is that "you" want. But that was just it.... the conversation I'd been having with myself went something like, "You're not going to be able to x,y,z, because you are a,b,c".

And suddenly, what the saying made sense. I had come to believe the track that was playing over and over - and now, I did not, sometimes, do not, know who I am without that track playing over and over and over. If the tape stops... who would I be? I don't even think I might recognize the inner landscape of who I am without that internal dialogue droning on and on.

So there it is: the fear of success is deeply rooted in having a skewed picture of who you truly are. If you've become used to living with a false sense of yourself, what does it take to get back to your true self? And more importantly, do you want your true self back?

See, brain-washing serves a purpose: to distract you from your true mission, whatever that is. But whatever mission you serve as with your new self-identity serves the purpose of creating some cognitive cohesion for you. The brain-washing only sticks if there's some functionality to it. This is perhaps by negative internal dialogues are hard to shut up: the message has stuck, and you've found some way to function with it. It's become a part of how you interact with the world, and you have a hard time imagining what life should be, or could be, without it.

But I leave you with a verse that a minister shared with me, and a few other friends recently:

John 8:32: "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." So, here's to the hard work of getting to know the truth. And as you know the Truth, as you encounter it day by day, along the journey of life, It shall make you free. Yes, it will change your state of being, it will MAKE you free.

Free, indeed.

Being thankful

1 Thess. 5: 16 - 21 (nrsv)

¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray without ceasing,¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ¹⁹Do not quench the Spirit. ²⁰Do not despise the words of prophets,^{* 21}but test everything; hold fast to what is good;

See the definition for quench here, in particular 1a & 2b.

I am aiming to not quench, or allow to be quenched the Spirit. The Spirit of God as the independent Entity that It is, and the Spirit within me (the Comforter - also called Advocate and Helper that Jesus tells us of in John 14:26). In order that this Spirit be allowed to thrive in my life, I will name all the things that I am thankful for, I will rejoice because of them (and because God is simply worth being thankful for), I will pray consistently, and I will remember to hold fast to what is good.

What I am holding fast to. The good things. What I am thankful for:

• For the health of my family, both by blood, by water, and by spirit, I am thankful.
• For health in my body - I have felt mildly unwell, I have been uncomfortable. Yet, God has preserved my health by and large, I am thankful.
• For the love and support of many people, I am thankful.
• For a sound mind, and the ability to manipulate my faculties and functions (yes, yes, I realize that sanity is all in mind of the beholder *smile*), I am thankful
• For the ability to further my education, and learn from esteemed and intelligent scholars, I am thankful.
• For the means with which to have shelter, connection, and sustenance, I am thankful.
• For the ability to laugh, chuckle, smile, smirk, and gaze with benevolence, I am thankful.
• For the mind to even be thankful, I am thankful.

What are you thankful for today? I promise you, you have something to be thankful for - this list is certainly not exhaustive! But it is a start!! And despite some of the rain clouds (and snow clouds) that rolled over here today, just remembering that there is much to be thankful for brings some peace, some stillness, some calm back into view.

It's funny how practicing these small things, like praying over things you can be thankful for, are for your good. Yes, God is pleased when we remember that the picture is bigger than what is on the immediate (though, the immediate can be of immense importance) horizon; but I believe that when we commit to the simple practices (like this one) the blessings the practices bestow upon the practitioner (or worshipper) are manifold.

In blessing, you are blessed.

Be blessed dear hearts. Vaya con Dios.

Things I'm thinking On...

Instead of inundating you with words, I thought I'd share with you some things I am thinking deeply on, with pictures and a few captions explaining what the images are about (in my humble opinion) and why I care (in brief!)

Journey with me, if you will....

Firstly, Libations: In Ghana, there is a tradition of pouring water, or a pure liquor (so, not a cocktail, but a singular liquor, gin or schnapps), and saying a prayer at the beginning of any important event: an important meeting of important people, for religious gatherings, baby out-doorings (introducing a child to the community) and other events of import.

Why libations? Well, for a paper I have to write. Also, because the principles behind libations make me think of the ways in which American Christians (and a lot of Christianities) venerate the saints who have passed. It could be said that Jesus is our greatest ancestor. Now, venerated ancestors don't just happen, they become ancestors through living exemplary lives. Much the same way that we (Americans, Westerners, Western Christians) uplift exemplary Christian figures - they become persons we admire even in death, we learn from the way they lived, emulate them even. In fact, we are supposed to model the life of Jesus! I am contemplating our fear of connecting ourselves to this tradition, in which ancestors (those who are great ancestors, and those members of our family who have simply gone on to the next life) are called upon so that they can continue to be a part of the community of the living. We, Western Christians, invoke Paul, Peter, the disciples, the early Christians (of Scripture, and of historical records), when we refer to our books of discipline, our doctrines and creeds, when we sing hymns and so on. Why do we avoid our connection to the bearers of our traditions? (Yes, I'm speaking to you Africans in the diaspora.)

Bonus on the Image: This image might actually be of Dr. Kofi Asare Opoku, who we did meet while in Ghana. He's awesome.

Secondly, Adinkra Symbols: One, they intrigue me because of their very existence. Often, we faun over Chinese, Japanese, Korean calligraphy.

I instantly was in love with this iconography - can't be dyslexic with adinkra symbols. And I love that there are proverbs and sayings behind the symbols. Like so much of West African culture, each image has a meaning, and various applications and connections to other aspects of the culture.

This lovely symbol is called nyame nti (by God's grace).

I think it mimics a kind of large fern tree that I have actually seen in Ghana. And the real tree just raises in me the emotions of flexible strength - it looks like the plant danced out of the ground. Perhaps, the tree says to us, by being flexible, by stretching and bending to reach the light, we can still grow tall. Don't be deterred! Just keeeeeeeeep reaching!!!

Lastly, for the Womanist Warrior in me, I have been contemplating pleasure, emotion, passion and love as a Black woman. I am thinking deeply on the meanings, workings, effects of pleasure in all forms. One particular pleasure I've had on my mind is... unabashed, unfettered, unencumbered love for the self.

What would it mean for me (and for you, if you're in this camp) to fully love every single part of me - and to be in love with the me God gave me.

Note/Credit: this picture comes from the fantabulous Mickalene Thomas. Check her out here (fore-warning: some images are racier than others, ie: breasts, hips, expressions of erotic ecstasy).

Also, what does sexy really mean? And what are our (Black women's) fears, hopes and dreams around the topic of romantic love, and/or sex (coitus!)? And how do those fears, hopes and dreams make us operate in the real world?

Do I have answers to all my questions? No. But am I having fun turning the thoughts over in my mind? Absolutely!! Let's strike up a convo about it - I'm itching to have conversation partners on these topics.

to call

walk in, set down your keys, flop onto the bed

knowing that there's something else you should do

besides lay down your sleepy head

looking into the inside of your eyelids

... you sigh as you drift off instead

and you see her about a year before

smiling back at you, easy and light hearted there

priceless lips, shining eyes

you long to see this girl again

and you see yourself about a year before

holding on to hope and believing that everything good was coming

confident, without a care

if only you were still that man

That one wakes your conscience,

Back to reality, but your eyes refuse to open

So you keep watching

Remembering that now the picture is dimmer

Fuzzier. The sound quality is not that good.

The lips are still priceless, and you still feel hope

But you wonder, is she still that girl, am I still that man?

That one moves your heart

And your eyes obey.

If you ever hope that you're both still in the right place...

You have reach out and call.

One nostril at a time

A few years ago, around this time, I had a yoga instructor named Beeker. During one session, we did a breathing exercise that required us to breathe from one nostril at a time (you can find out a little about nadi sodhana here, it's a really calming exercise). This technique in breathing is a controlled way of doing something that our body does naturally, that is, using one nostril predominantly for inhalation, the other for exhalation; the nostrils change roles seamlessly throughout the day.

When I began this post, I thought about Beeker's exercise because my sinuses were changing shifts: deciding who would be clogged, and who would do the breathing. (It really felt like a changing of the guard, and my brain perked up because it was so excited to get a full dose of air.) This foretaste of freedom reminded me of one of my goals this year: Do one thing at a time, and do it well.

I often find myself frustrated with feelings of being "unfinished", or not as far along as I wish to be. Many times I have to remind myself that it's a good thing to be "unfinished"because if I were done, I guess I'd have the gravestone to prove it. Thanks be to God I'm not quite done.

Having the opportunity to breathe in fully, and breathe out fully reminded me that I really can only take in and put out but so much at one time. There is really only one breath in, and one breath out at a time. I have no auxiliary parts to myself that can function in my stead, so I have every right to take things as they come. Celebrating the moments of full clarity, and appreciating the lessons that times of congestion can teach me. Sometimes those compressed times alert me to how I've taken my usual freedoms and accomplishments for granted.

I wish not to go from issue to issue, but from breath to breath being grateful that I can take it in. And, as the yoga exercise teaches, I can only inhale life, one breath and one nostril at a time.